When you begin writing your essay, your major concern should
be getting your ideas down on paper.  At this point you should not
let worries about sentence structure or word choice interfere with
your flow of ideas.  Later, when you write your second or third
draft, you can polish your writing, making sure as you revise that
each part does what it should do.

     Remember that revision is not something you do after your
paper is finished.  It is a continuing process during which you
consider the logic and clarity of your ideas as well as how to
effectively and correctly express them.

     Thus, revision is more than proofreading, editing, or crossing
out one word and substituting another; it may involve extensive
addition, deletion, and reordering of whole sentences or paragraphs
as you reconsider what you want to communicate to your audience.


     The following two drafts of an essay were written by a
student, Michael, for his class in business management.  His
assignment was to choose a local corporation and, in about 500
words, discuss two or three of its management problems.  Michael
realized that the assignment itself suggested a thesis: company X
has management problems; and a pattern of development: examples of
company X's problems.  As part of his invention process Michael
prepared this outline before writing his essay:

          Introduction:  Thesis--Acme Power and Light has
                         management problems.

          Example 1:     Too many managers

          Example 2:     Long record of bad management decisions

          Example 3:     Poor customer relations

          Conclusion:    Restatement of thesis

Below is a rough draft of his essay.



                             Acme Power and Light
Introduction:          When the city said, "Let there be
    Quotation     light," Acme was ready.  Acme Power and
                  Light Corporation has supplied the city's
                  power since 1962, when it was formed as a
                  city owned and subsidized company. 
Thesis            During the years since its inception,
                  Acme has consistently lost money despite
                  a yearly subsidy by the taxpayer.  This
                  financial trouble is no doubt due to
                  Acme's management practices, which are
                  downright shocking.
                       Acme has too many managers and has
  Examples 1      made bad decisions that have cost
       and 2      consumers tens of millions of dollars. 
                  During the last ten years, the company
                  has increased its middle- and upper-
                  level management by two and one half
                  times and built a costly atomic power
                  plant to meet a projected increase in
                  demand for electricity.  This
                  proliferation of management has added
                  almost $5 million in salaries and
                  benefits to the company's expenses, and
                  the power plant cost another $75 million.
                       Perhaps the most blatant management
   Example 3      problem Acme has is its seemingly callous
                  attitude toward consumers.  On any given
                  day, Acme is flooded by hundreds of calls
                  about errors in billing.
  Conclusion           It is clear that Acme's financial
                  problems are costing the consumer too
                  much.
            
                    



Revising the Rough Draft

     The Introduction.  The day after he wrote his draft, Michael
analyzed it and decided what he wanted to revise.  First, he
reconsidered his catchy opening.  Although he thought his opening
would have been excellent in another situation, he decided it was
inappropriate for his practical, business-minded audience and the
no-nonsense purpose of his assignment.  Next, he realized that,
since all his points about Acme were negative, his neutral audience
might think he was being a little too hard on the company.  Instead
of blaming everything on management, he decided to introduce the
company's financial problems more fairly so that his thesis would
seem more reasonable.  He also reconsidered his title because he
decided that it did not describe his essay as precisely as it
might.

     The Body Paragraphs.  Although Michael knew he had outlined
three fairly good examples of the company's poor management
practices, he discovered he had jumbled together the first two
examples--too many managers and bad decisions--while he was
writing.  As a result, he suspected that his second paragraph
blurred his ideas, and he decided to revise it so that each example
was developed in its own separate paragraph.  Finally, he reviewed
his third example--the company's attitude toward customers--and
concluded that it was insufficiently developed.  Just mentioning
phone calls did not support his assertion that Acme was "callous
toward customers," so he decided to add more information here.

     The Conclusion.  Rather than giving his readers a feeling of
closure or providing them with something to think about, Michael
knew that he had simply quit writing.  He felt that his single
concluding sentence was too brief and abrupt.  Most importantly, he
realized that it did not restate his thesis about Acme's management
practices.  Instead, it left his readers thinking solely about
Acme's financial difficulties.  Since Michael knew that his
audience would remain unconvinced if he let them forget the thrust
of his last paragraph, he decided to completely rewrite his last
paragraph.
     After his careful analysis, Michael reordered and expanded his
original paper in this final draft:


The Management Practices of 
   Acme Power and Light


Introduction:          Acme Power and Light Corporation has
       Direct      supplied the city's power since 1962 when
     approach      it was formed as a city owned and
                   subsidized company.  During the years
                   since its inception, Acme has
                   consistently lost money despite a
                   sizeable yearly subsidy from the
                   taxpayers.  It would be unfair to single
                   Acme out for criticism because it suffers
                   the ills that all public utilities face--
                   antiquated equipment and increased
                   operating costs.  But there is one area
       Thesis      where Acme can be faulted, and this is in
    (revised)      the quality of its management.  Even a
                   cursory examination of this company
                   reveals management practices that are
                   downright shocking.
    Example 1          One management problem Acme has is
                   obvious--too many managers.  During the
                   last ten years, the company has increased
                   the number of middle- and upper-level
                   management employees by two and one half
                   times.  This increase occurred even
                   though Acme's area of service actually
                   decreased.  This proliferation of
                   management has added almost $5 million in
                   annual salaries and benefits to the
                   company's expenses, which, of course, the
                   consumers are required to absorb.
     Example 2         Another management problem Acme has
                   is its long record of bad decisions that
                   have cost consumers tens of millions of
                   dollars.  An example was the decision ten
                   years ago to construct an atomic power
                   plant to meet a projected increase in
                   demand for electricity.  Despite
                   subsequent projections of decreasing
                   power demands, Acme proceeded with the
                   project.  As a result, $75 million later
                   they have an atomic power plant that
                   operates at 25 percent capacity because
                   the demand for electricity has gone down
                   instead of up.
      Example 3        Perhaps the most blatant management
                   problem Acme has is its inability to
                   handle customer complaints.  On a given
                   day, Acme is flooded by hundreds of calls
                   about errors in billing, equipment
                   malfunction, or any number of other 
                   complaints.  As a recent newspaper
                   article asserts, the majority of these 
                   problems result from negligence or from
                   Acme's inability to supervise its
                   employees adequately.  If this were not
                   enough, statistics provided by the Better
                   Business Bureau show that it takes
                   between two and three service calls for
                   Acme fully to correct most problems.  The
                   cost of this poor management represents
                   about 20 percent of Acme's operating
                   budget.
     Conclusion        These are just a few examples of the
                   problems that Acme Power and Light has. 
    Restatement    In any private corporation, such
      of thesis    inefficiency would lead to stockholder
                   charges of mismanagement or to
                   bankruptcy.  But because Acme is owned by
                   the city, it is kept afloat by taxpayer
                   money and regular rate increases.  Price
                   increases caused by inflation and rising
                   fuel costs affect all of us, including
                   corporations, and must be accepted, but
                   increases caused by mismanagement should
                   be unacceptable to everyone.




Reviewing the Final Draft

     The Introduction.  Michael's introduction follows the direct
approach discussed earlier.  Because he felt that a paper for a
management course should sound businesslike, he wisely chose to
eliminate the rough draft's opening.  His introduction is
straightforward and simple,  He begins by briefly outlining the
history of Acme Power and Light Company and moves right into his
thesis statement that the company has "management practices that
are downright shocking." In the process, Michael demonstrates to
his audience that he is very reasonable bay granting that Acme has
some of the problems every corporation has.  Still, he maintains
that poor management, the subject of his paper, is something
different.

     The Body Paragraphs.  Michael supports his thesis by
presenting examples of Acme Power and Light Company's inefficient
management.  He now presents each  example in a separate paragraph
and introduces each paragraph with a clearly stated topic sentence. 
Following each topic sentence are facts to support it.  Perhaps the
major weakness of his paper is that he could have used still more
supporting data in his first and second body paragraphs.  Although
his third body paragraph has been adequately expanded, he presents
only one example in each of the preceding paragraphs to support his
assertions that Acme has too many managers and that it has along
record of bad decisions.  Although they are good examples, they are
not enough in themselves to convince his audience that what he
asserts is reasonable.

     The Conclusion.  In his conclusion, Michael now not only
restates his thesis but also restates his essay's main points. 
Because his essay is actually a report on the management status of
Acme Power and Light, he wants to be sure that his audience does
not forget his thesis or the implications of the material he has
presented.  To make sure, he ends his conclusion with a statement
designed to stay with his readers.  Fuel costs and inflation we
have to put up with, he says, but increased costs caused by
mismanagement are unacceptable to everyone.